Fall to Pieces
by otaku22
Summary: New chapter up! From Roy's point of view, how will he react when he finds out about what Edward has done because of him?
1. Fall to Pieces

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of the characters; otherwise I would have Ed and Roy having hot man sex on Roy's desk, couch, in the closet, bed, etc. every day and invite me there to film. And then they would cuddle. (-Collective AWWWW-)

A/N: This is the result of when I'm depressed and lonely. Um…yeah nothing else much to say. Please read and review! I apologize for any mistakes, I thought I proofread but of course there's always something that I'll miss…

**Fall to Pieces**

My name is Edward Elric, also known as the Full Metal Alchemist.

I am twenty one years old and I work for the military.

I have a brother, Alphonse, and a mechanic, Winry, both of whom care for me very much.

I'm famous and smart, and usually, after putting up a fight, get what I want.

Sounds like the perfect life, right?

Wrong. I forgot to mention two little things that put a damper on my situation.

I'm short. This is a big problem for me. I can't see over things sometimes, people mistake me for a PIPSQUEEK OF A KID and not to mention the excessive amounts of teasing material this gives people.

I'm in love with Roy Mustang. Note the Roy name. Note that it's another man's name, and also note that he is my superior officer, older than me, and a cold hearted bastard. This is the biggest of my problems.

So why do I love him? Um, don't ask me. He's the complete opposite of me. He doesn't care whether I live or die, has no emotions to be seen, and did I mention that he's generally a cold hearted bastard? Because he is.

I don't remember what actually sparked me to even thinking I was attracted to him, after all, like I said, we're very different, and both men. I should love Winry, who cares for me, is tender, loving, and really wants me to be happy. Instead, I find myself pining for a man who I usually would rather kick in the balls than kiss.

But then there's his pure black hair that shines when he steps into the sunlight, his rare smile, and the way his ass looks in his military pants. DAMN. That's hot.

Actually, now that I think about it, the night when I started falling for him was probably the night when I had to stay overnight at his apartment after coming back late during a snowstorm from work. That was probably the only time I ever saw him show any caring or emotion, and I absolutely clung to the idea.

Occasionally we go on work trips together, and I get to see different sides to him, all sides that I seem to fall in love with, no matter how heartless he is, and how much of a man-whore he is. I might even go so far as to say that we've built up some kind of dysfunctional friendship. Sort of. I feel comfortable around him, and I can talk to him about things that I wouldn't talk to other people about. Sometimes we even have intelligent conversations without trying or wanting to kill each other. I savor those times.

I don't like to admit it, but I'm actually a very needy person. I want to feel loved, want to know that I'm loved, and want to feel someone's arms around me as they assure me of these things. But I have never known that, and probably never will.

* * *

"Fullmetal?" He looks up from his desk as I come into his office. It's been a while since I've realized what I feel about Roy, and I haven't been dealing too well. But today I came to his office for a reason, not like the times when I lurk around just to see him at work. He looks sexy when he concentrates.

"DAMMIT ALL I WANT IS MY OWN HOUSE AND I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT!!!" I scream, launching myself at his desk and slamming my hands palm down on the table. I wince as he does, shaking my hands and muttering a slightly pained 'ow' under my breath.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He asks calmly. Of course, he's the essence of calm, cool and collected, unlike me.

"WINRY!" Was all the answer I gave.

"Care to explain?"

"WINRY!! MY BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND! SHE'S COMING TO VISIT TODAY SO THEY DON'T WANT ME STAYING AT THE HOUSE TONIGHT SO THEY CAN FUCK IN PEACE!!" I screech in a high pitched octave that I tend to reach when I'm angry or upset.

He smirks, and of course that doesn't help my mood.

"DON'T SMIRK AT ME BASTARD!! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

"Of course it's not my fault. And are you looking to stay at my house? Because if you must you can for ONE NIGHT. Don't get any ideas." He says curtly.

Darn it. I _was_ getting ideas, ideas about Roy and me staying together, sharing a bed, kisses, and all other things that would make me so happy. But I knew it was never to be.

"Get ideas? What for? You think I want to stay with you?" I retort, to cover up in case there was a crestfallen look on my face. I didn't think there was, but I just wanted to be sure.

"If you want to stay, follow me now or forever hold your peace." He says. "I have to finish up some paperwork, so I'll come get you when I'm done." He says by means of dismissal.

"Um…I'm done…can I just stay in here?" I ask, hoping that wouldn't rouse any suspicions. He does give me a slightly strange look, but then shrugs.

"Yeah, okay. Just don't bug me." He says, and I settle into one of the comfortable armchairs in his office to take a little catnap.

* * *

All of a sudden, I'm being woken up by Roy physically shaking me.

"WHAT THE??" I start up, flinging him off me. But it seems like I can still feel his hands on me, wishing they could stay there forever.

"You were asleep." He says as if that's an explanation.

"I know ASSHOLE!! And very peacefully too until you had to wake me UP!!" I scream, very perturbed. He simply shrugs and starts towards the door.

"You still coming?" He says, and I have no choice but to helplessly follow as my heart walks out the door. "We're leaving…" He says to Riza as we pass her office. She gives us a questioning look but Roy is already out the door and I'm following him.

"I hope you don't think I owe you anything now." I mutter as he gets in the front seat of his black Audi 3000. "Nice car…" I continue under my breath as I let my fingers travel up and down the dashboard and console.

"Yes, I just got it a few weeks ago. Quite expensive." He says somewhat pompously and I roll my eyes at the ceiling. I stretch out and put my boot clad feet on the dashboard, crossing them luxuriously.

"Get them off. Now." He glares at me, and I glare back before slowly uncrossing my feet and putting them on the ground. Just because I'm completely enamored of him doesn't mean he can't be as annoying as hell sometimes. Well, a lot of the time.

I stare out the window, and I have to remind myself to keep looking out the window instead of watching him get lost in his own thoughts. It was one of the rare times I saw peace on his face. Or, what would come close to it.

Half an hour later, we arrive at his apartment building. I stumble out of the car and follow him like a lost puppy up to his third floor apartment. I try to savor every moment, trying not to think of how wonderful it would be if this was the norm, if I went home with him every day, if we were together. I must've been looking particularly melancholy, because he looked down at me with an interested look.

"Dammit Fullmetal, don't look like someone just killed your dog." He says as I follow him in. I sigh, not having realized that my mood was so easily read.

"What do you want for dinner?" He asks as he goes into the kitchen. "And take your shoes off, I like things to be neat." He says. "Ramen okay?"

"RAMMMEENNNNNNNN!!" Is my answer from the foyer. I love ramen.

"Ramen it is then." He says as I come into the kitchen. He has a nice apartment, and I could see making myself at home here. It smells nice, like Roy. I quickly decide that this is my favorite smell in the world.

I climb onto one of the bar stools that he has around an island in his kitchen in place of a table.

"Aren't you going to entertain me?" I say, smirking, thinking of many ways that he could entertain me, most of them pretty dirty.

"Hey, you were the one that invited yourself over, entertain yourself."

"I DIDN'T INVITE MYSELF YOU INVITED ME!" I remind him quite loudly.

"Fine, let's talk then." He says, and pours some wine for both of us. Little does he know that I have quite a low tolerance for alcohol, so I'm never allowed to have it. I might as well take advantage of the opportunity now, so I take the glass before he can think better of it. I am of age, after all. It's just because of my height that what would be a small, ineffective amount of alcohol for someone like Roy becomes enough to make me pass out.

"So how long is Winry staying?" Roy asks, and I know it's not because he wants to make small talk, but because it's better than awkward silence.

"Ugh. I don't know." I say. I don't say that it's not Winry staying that bothering me, but the fact that Winry and my brother are _together_. My two best friends now care more about each other than myself, and I'm the third wheel. I love them both, but I don't love them together. I don't want to spend time with them anymore, and their relationship just solidifies my loneliness, my need for someone to feel that empty gap in my heart. I look around Roy's apartment and notice something on the couch. I get up and pick it up, smirking.

"What is THIS?" I ask, waving the pink lacy bra in Roy's face, plastering a fake smirk to my face.

He rolls his eyes. "What does it look like Fullmetal?"

"Don't you ever get tired of fucking random girls?" I ask and throw the bra back down. "There's more to life than empty fucks." I say quietly, with more feeling than I intend, and I can tell that this makes Roy think. I wish I hadn't said it.

"Next subject." He smirks, and for that moment I really hate his guts. But then he goes back to his food and the flash is gone. Hate and love really do go hand in hand.

Heh. His ramen is boiling over. I point behind him with a snicker.

He wheels around and sees the ramen boiling over. "DAMMIT." He mutters a string of curse words under his breath as he takes it off the heat and dishes out two bowls of steaming ramen, while I quietly (okay maybe not so quietly) laugh in the corner. He looks adorable when he's flustered.

"Will you shut up?" He huffs, taking a huge spoonful of ramen and thereby scorching himself. Of course this sets me off again into peals of helpless laughter.

"God Mustang…" I say between laughs. "I didn't know you were such a klutz at home…" I giggle and he gives me a look, simply pouring us both second glasses of wine. I down mine fairly quickly and pretty soon, I'm babbling away not making any sense, and seconds later I topple off my stool onto the ground.

"Dammit!" He jumps up to pick the delirious, half unconscious me off the ground. I think he thinks I'm completely unconscious, so I play along with it, quickly closing my eyes before he notices. And to my great delight, he picks me up. I try not to sigh in happiness and melt into his arms. They're so strong around me, they feel so right. I dare to breathe and I can _smell_ him. He has a distinct smell that was floating about the apartment and up close it was so intoxicating. And that wasn't only because of the amount of alcohol in my system. I immediately decide that Roy smell is my favorite smell in the entire world. If everything could smell like him, I think I would pass out. I dare another small breath and sigh with happiness. Hopefully he thinks its just gas, or something.

I feel him gently lifting me down to his bed. Yes, that was gently. I was surprised by how carefully he handled me, like I was a fragile, precious package to be cared for. That's what I wanted him to think of me as anyway. Because I am fragile, so emotionally unstable and fragile that it breaks my heart to think about how weak I am.

His arms leave me and I try not to pout. He tucks a blanket around me and my heart feels like nothing could be better than this. I wish that he would climb in next to me and wrap his arms around me, but I know that's just a fantasy. However many times I dream that I would go to sleep with someone holding me and wake up with them still there, still holding me, I know it will never happen. It's something that I'm destined to forever long for. True love, security, emotional stability.

I hear him leave and I let out the breath I had been holding. I hear him mutter something that sounds vaguely like a 'Good night Edward…' and my heart leaps. Did he just call me Edward?

Edward.

He called me Edward.

That was my last thought before I completely lost touch with reality and passed out.

* * *

"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?" I'm shaking Roy, who was (until I had woken him up that is) asleep on the couch. "WE HAVE TO WORK TODAY!!"

"Its Saturday half-pint." He mumbles angrily.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HALF PINT SO SMALL HE FIT INTO A TEENY BOTTLE??!!" I screech and he shoves a pillow at my head. "Go back to sleep why don't you…don't you have a hangover?"

"Nope, slept it all off." I say perkily, perching myself on the couch right by his head, trying very hard not to slip my hand into that smooth black hair and play with his hair. "So in that case what are we doing today? You could drop me off at home but I don't really want to see Al and Winry going at it…my two best friends…" I shake my head, trying to make light of it, even when their relationship has hurt me so deeply. They left me alone, with no one, for their own happiness. I tell myself that they're being selfish, but I know that I'm the only one that's being selfish. They deserve to be happy. "So what're we doing?" I ask to keep my mind off of it.

He rolls his eyes. "Well, first you're going to get up so I can go take a shower, and then we're going to have breakfast, and THEN we'll see." He says, pushing me off the couch and stumbling into the shower. I watch him mournfully and flop back on the couch for a moment before I get an idea.

"EDWARD!!!" He yells twenty minutes later, dashing out of the shower. I smirk. So the smell of food does have effects on the great Roy Mustang. He dashes into the kitchen with only a towel around his waist, and I can't help staring. Damn, no wonder he gets so many women, he has a HOT body. I just want to jump on him and claim every inch of him for myself. I mentally kick myself and turn around to tend to my bacon and eggs. I've decided to maybe attract him to me with the cute look. I'm wearing a small apron that I found in his cupboards (don't want to know what he was doing with it) and I look up at him.

"What are you DOING?" He sputters as he glares back at me. Apparently he didn't know that I could cook.

"I'm making breakfast, bastard, what does it look like I'm doing?" I retort without turning around, a little miffed at his lack of faith in me. Does he think I'm completely helpless just because I had passed out after only two glasses of wine? "I can do SOME things right, you know." I say, shoveling the eggs onto two plates and placing two strips of bacon neatly beside each. I place them on the island, sit down, and start eating without looking at him. Sometimes it just hurts too much.

"Um...thanks…" He mutters somewhat awkwardly, and I can tell that I've truly surprised him. Usually, I'm hostile towards him just to overcompensate for my strange feelings towards him. But now, when its just the two of us, I figure I can be a little nicer to him. He's not being as arrogant and bastardy now either. And I like it.

I shrug. "Eh, figured it was the least I could do." I say, getting up and putting the dishes in the sink.

"You can do the dishes though." I say with a smirk. "I'm gonna take a shower…" I announce and pad off into Roy's bathroom. Once inside, I turn on the shower to scorching and step in. I take a long, hot shower that turns me pink from the heat. But I like my showers that way. It takes my mind off other things. Things like imagining what it would be like if Roy were in the shower with me, his hands on my head, body, down further…this isn't helping. I step out of the shower and dry myself off, pulling my clothes on again and walking out.

I go into the kitchen and sit on a stool. Roy's still doing dishes, the slowpoke. He turns around to look at me, and gives me a confused look. "Your hair's down." He states without emotion, and my hand automatically flies to my head and I blush. I don't let anyone see me with my hair down. I quickly tie it in my traditional loose braid and give him a scowl.

"So what're we doing?" I say to distract him from my embarrassed self.

"Must you always be amused? What do you do by yourself?" He asks.

I shrug. "Various things. I like to cook." I say quietly, a little embarrassed. How does he always do that to me?

"Well, maybe you can teach me how to cook today then? I might as well get a crash course while you're here because I mostly eat out or order in…I don't even remember buying that bacon and eggs." He says, looking a bit puzzled.

"That's because you didn't. I did. At that grocery store down the street." I say with a small giggle.

"Oh."

"I can teach you today though! We'll need to get some supplies and do you have any cookbooks?" I'm actually quite surprised that he seems willing, but I'm just going to go with it and not ask questions. This is too good a chance to pass up.

He gives me a look that tells me everything I need to know

"Okay, guess not. I saw a library around here though, we can go there." I say.

And so started our adventurous day of delving into the world of cooking.

* * *

A few hours and many accidents later, we were sitting on our stools waiting for the cake that I had decided to make to bake. We were eating a very elegant dish of chicken and other assorted vegetables and something that I had showed him how to make but was in French, so of course Roy had immediately given up on trying to remember that one.

It had been an amazing day, probably the best day of my life. No, it was the best day of my life. I got to spend it with Roy, just Roy and I, like I always wanted it to be. Of course there were times when I just wanted to throw myself into his arms, claiming him for my own and never letting go, but of course I didn't do that.

I was eating my chicken, pondering life, Roy, and my emotions when Roy spoke. I had almost forgotten that he was there. Almost.

"What's up, Ed? You look kind of…depressed…" He says, jolting me back to reality. There was something that he said…what was it? Oh yeah.

He called me Ed.

I wanted to hug him to death, kiss him and know everything he was thinking and feeling.

He called me Ed.

Why did that light up my world so much?

And that was when something changed. I must've lost my mind, because what happened next was what led to my downfall.

"Nothing…I was just thinking…" I say, looking curiously at him. He looks curiously back at me.

"Wow…really?" He says jokingly and I glare at him.

"Roy…" I say slowly, throwing all cautions to the wind as I use his name. "We're good friends, right? You'd say?"

He blinks at me, looking confused. "Yes…I suppose…what's this about?" He says in all seriousness. "What are you talking about?" He looks a little awkward, like he doesn't want to be here right now. I don't blame him.

"And you'll still be my friend no matter what?" I ask, feeling like the needy idiot I am.

"Dammit just get on with it!! Who did you kill?" He asks, rolling his eyes.

"Myself…" I mutter under my breath, not loud enough for him to hear. "Um…Roy…I like you…" I say, staring at my plate, my mind rushing into overdrive, emergency mode, wondering what I'm doing. Did I seriously just tell him? I must've lost my mind.

When I muster enough courage to look up, he's staring at me like I have two heads and five noses. His look hurts, and I can tell it's all over. If he had liked me the same way, he wouldn't be looking at me like that.

"Um…Ed…" He starts slowly. "I'm not…quite sure I feel the same way about you…" He says, his voice shaking a little, and I feel bad for dumping my problems on him. But it had to be done, or else I would've exploded.

I nod, blushing furiously now and extremely embarrassed. I also have a strange feeling welling up my throat from my stomach, the feeling of getting sick, the feeling of nauseousness. What now? I just killed any chance I had to be around him without it being awkward. The mood went from comfortable to uncomfortable in about 2.5 seconds, enough time it took for my confession to seep into the air and Roy's mind, hanging between us and making the air heavy.

"Um…Ed…" He looks at me. "Maybe…maybe I do like you too…" He said, and for a moment my heart jumps. Could it be true? No. He's lying just to make me feel better. Suddenly I'm angry. Does he like toying with me?

"You're lying." I say in a dead voice.

"No I'm not…" He says, but I can tell in his tone that's he's just saying it to keep me from crying or something. God, I'm pathetic. Now I've even got Roy feeling bad for me.

"Yes you are. Just shut up." I sulk quietly for a little while, and then suddenly slip down from my chair. "Um…maybe I should go…I'm sorry…Al and Winry are probably wondering where I am…" I say, and both of us know that is a load of crap, because Al and Winry probably wouldn't notice if I wasn't there until a week from now. But we both also know that it's just an excuse so the night doesn't get any more awkward and I can leave peacefully without embarrassing myself even further. Because I can tell that he's trying not to freak out too much.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" He asks quietly.

"Um…" I look up at him. "Yeah…could you?" I ask sheepishly, not wanting to ask anything more of him. But I don't have any other way to get home. Roy looks at me as if he feels bad for breaking my heart. But he doesn't know just how much he's broken me.

He nods and slip on his shoes and coat, waiting for me to do the same before silently going down to his reserved parking space and getting in.

The air is stifling in the car, like someone is suffocating me. That strange feeling is rising in my throat again, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. All I want is for this car ride to be over so I can go home and cry my eyes out, possibly do something dangerous and potentially fatal. When I get depressed I want to go out, get lost in a city, do something dangerous, something that tempts death, because when I get that way, I don't care if I die or not.

I press my lips tightly together and bit my bottom lip to keep from crying. My eyes are probably getting puffy, I can feel it. It was the most painful car ride of my life. It seemed like an eternity before Roy was pulling up in front of the apartment and Al and I shared.

"Um…" I look at him one last time, and I can just feel the neediness in my gaze. "Bye…" I quickly get out before I embarrass myself even more. He's giving me a look of thoughtfulness, as if he was going to say something, but I don't want to hear his pity. That makes me even sicker than I already am. I run into the house and run into the bathroom without looking around me to see if Winry and Al are there. I get there just in the nick of time, and before I know it I'm throwing up into the toilet. It feels a little better, but it scares me to know that I'm throwing up not because I have the flu, but because there were just too many emotions inside me, and they wanted out.

I throw up again, and now I'm crying over the toilet; the sorriest sight you will ever see. I hiccup, wipe my mouth, brush my teeth to get the taste out of my mouth, flush the toilet and shuffle into my room.

When I get into my room I can tell that Al and Winry are not there; it's too quiet. Unless they're asleep; but it's not that late, so they're probably out on a date.

I flop on my bed face down and finally let the welling up inside me burst forth, crying my eyes out. My heart feels like it's about to break. How could I have put myself out there like that? How could I ever have thought that it would've gone well? I couldn't have seriously thought that he would return my feelings…so what was the point of putting my heart out on my sleeve to be broken?

I squeeze my eyes together but the tears somehow manage their way out anyway. I shiver and pull my blankets over me, curling into a fetal position, still crying. I can't seem to stop, no matter how hard I try. Well, I'm not trying to hard. I'm actually making it worse by replaying every look he gave me, everything he said. Everything he said keeps running through my head.

"_I'm not sure if I like you the same way…"_

His voice plays over and over again in my mind and I scream for it to stop, tearing at my hair and not even minding the pain. I must be driving myself mad. Why do I do this to myself? Why?

Why?

Why?

Why can't he love me? I'm smart, fairly attractive…funny at times…it must be my height…or my temper…there must be something wrong with me…I don't deserve to live…

Why can't I just forget about him?

I don't know how long I lay curled up like that in the dark, crying, sniffling, and talking to myself, but finally the Sandman took pity and sleep washed over me.

I woke later than normal, and realized that I still had to go to work. I grumble and go about my daily routine half heartedly. I seem to have lost all interest in anything. Not like taking a shower is very exciting, but I can tell that I'm moving slower than normal.

Wait.

I have to go to work.

It hits me as I'm brushing my teeth.

That means I have to see him.

Roy.

What will he do?

What will he say?

Will he reject me again?

Will he ignore me?

Will he act like nothing happened?

My hands fall onto the sink and I stare at myself in the mirror. I'm a pathetic sight. My hair is still wet and dripping from my shower and frames my face to show my eyes still red from crying, my bleeding lip that I bit too hard last night, and eyes that are dulled by pain. I can't even look at myself; it's too pathetic, too sad.

Something deep inside of me had broken, something that could never be fixed again. I didn't know what it was, but whatever it was but I needed it fixed.

I sniffle again and trudge out of the shower, pulling my red jacket over me and shuffle out of the house, again without even bothering to see if Al and Winry are there, or grab a muffin to eat. I can't eat, it will make me sick. And the gnawing feeling in my stomach occasionally takes my mind of my emotional pain. Occasionally. Mostly I'm lost in my thoughts, trying not to break down as I get on the subway to go to work.

Keep it together Edward.

You're pathetic.

You don't need him.

You got along without him before, why is it so different now?

I can't answer that question. Perhaps it was just seeing what it could be like, that taste of the life that I so desperately yearn for, in addition to the pain of rejection.

Love hurts, its true.

Whoever said that was the wisest person in the world.

I find myself at work and go about my duties like normal, trying to keep my mind from him. I avoid his usual haunts, and don't go by his office at all. Unfortunately, fate wasn't on my side today, and my heart sinks as Riza passes me in the hall and informs me that Roy wants to see me.

What was he going to tell me?

What did he want?

Did he want to tell me to forget about the past weekend, suck it up, and get over it?

Did he want to tell me again how he didn't return my feelings?

Or…

Did he want to tell me the opposite?

NO.

You can't think that Edward. You can't let your hopes get up, that's why you fell so hard before. You let your imagination envision what it would be like to be with him, you set yourself up for this. It's all your fault. Don't be mad at him, be mad at yourself.

I hate you, Edward Elric.

I hate myself.

These thoughts deliver me to Roy's office and I stand in front of it, feeling extremely small and vulnerable.

Why do I have to be so damn emotional?

I hate it.

I tentatively knock, and I hear his voice from the inside, cold as usual.

"Come in Fullmetal." No more Ed. My heart sinks.

I trudge in and avoid looking at him. He's too beautiful, even though I still hate him for making me miserable. I don't understand.

"Fullmetal. These papers. Deliver them." He says simply, gesturing to a stack of papers on his desk. Then he goes back to doing whatever he was doing, without a word.

That's it?

No mention at all of last night?

It probably means nothing to him; he probably has women confessing their love for him all the time in bed, so why would I be any different? Except for the fact that I'm a man but that probably doesn't even faze him anymore.

"Yes, Colonel." I mumble, not even having the energy to scream at him. I take the papers and walk out before I do something stupid. Maybe its better this way. Maybe he's being nice to me by acting like nothing happened. Maybe he's hoping I'll forget it, maybe he's regretting ever giving me false hope. Though it could've been my imagination, all those looks, the tender way he put me in his bed and covered me up.

Why does he have to toy with me this way? He doesn't know how much my emotions depend on him, and it makes me miserable. I want to make him miserable, but I don't have as much of an affect on him as he does on me. I'm just another one of his subordinates with a crush on him.

I sigh and go about distributing the papers trying to forget all about the bane of my existence, Roy Mustang.

* * *

It's been weeks since the incident at Roy's apartment and nothing has been said about it. This is driving me insane. I want to know.

Why did he say that he liked me, and then forgot all about it? He was surely lying, right? Then why did he say that and give me false hope? I wish he had just told me flat out, and then I would be agonizing so much. Well, I probably would.

I'm in my apartment again, sitting on my bed and staring at my hands and arms. My arms are covered with red scratches, some old, some new, some bleeding, and some almost healed. Who knew that quill pens could be so dangerous?

I had started cutting myself a few days after I realized that Roy wasn't going to be saying anything else about the incident, and when I realized that he really didn't like me back, and that I would really be alone forever. Because I couldn't see myself with anyone else. Actually, I could see myself with other people, but I wouldn't be as happy. I didn't want to see myself with anyone else. As much as it hurt to like Roy, part of me didn't want to like anyone else, even though I made myself miserable pining for him.

The first time I cut myself I had come home from work, and Roy had given me a particularly hard time. In my emotionally fragile state, I wasn't in any mood to argue with him, and the looks he gave me cut straight to my soul. Why did he have to be so mean to me? Couldn't he be a little nicer?

I had flopped down on my bed like usual and was sobbing uncontrollably when I discovered a sharp pen under my bed. I didn't know how it got there, but it was dangerous. It was one of those pens like a quill pen, but it didn't have the quill, just a large, sleek black wooden barrel in place of the quill. I think it was a drawing pen.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had grasped it tightly in my hands and was dragging it over the skin of my arm. At first I cried out at the pain, and thought I was crazy for doing this to myself. Then I took the pen away and stared at my bleeding arm. My crying momentarily stopped in amazement. The stinging was oddly soothing. I couldn't explain it. But the pain in my arm made me feel better. I deserved to be in pain, physical and emotional. I'm worth nothing.

At this thought I started crying again and I once again brought the now slightly bloodied pen to my arm, dragging it hard against my skin. I bite my lip and taste blood in my mouth, salty and sorrowful. After that I let the pen drop to the floor and concentrated on the stinging, throbbing in my arm. Soon I had fallen asleep, and that was the beginning of my self-mutilation.

I soon found out that I could make patterns with the pen, because it had a very sharp, very precise tip that I could direct carefully into different patterns on my skin. Mostly I marked up my arm, but sometimes I would experiment on my leg, places where people wouldn't be able to see. I didn't want Al to know the pain I was in. Normally I tried to put on a false smile for him, but he wasn't around much anyway so I didn't have to fake too much. He was spending a lot of time with Winry, and I have to admit that I was a little bitter about that.

Sometimes I wanted them to know how much emotional pain I was in when they were so happy, and completely oblivious as to me, alone, crying, and cutting myself on my bed at night. It made me feel even more pathetic. No one cared about me, even my brother and my best friend didn't notice. I felt more isolated that as if I had been stranded on a deserted island for a year. I was alone in a crowded room, I was always alone with my tortured thoughts, and I couldn't escape.

Tonight, I was once again cutting myself through my vision blurred by tears. I think Roy was just the trigger. I had always been emotionally frail, but nothing had set me off until Roy's rejection of me. Now I was an emotional train wreck, and nothing could stop me. I felt so out of control it scared me. I scared myself with my thoughts, and the only reason that I'm still alive is because I'm too much of a wimp to take a trigger to my head and end it all. Once again, I go to bed with the feeling of completely worthlessness, loneliness, and sorrow.

I go to work the next day in my depressed haze, and go through the motions of work as normal. But Roy must've been in a bad mood because he was particularly bastardy to me today. He probably didn't even realize it, but I wasn't strong enough to take his insults anymore, his careless talk to me. He doesn't realize how much I care for him, and he just destroys me. I hate him, but I love him. I'm lost; I don't know what to think. My thoughts swirl around my head and somehow I find myself at home again.

Everything has come crashing down on me, and I don't have faith in myself anymore. I don't want to live. It doesn't even really have anything to do with Roy anymore. I've just given up hope. Given up hope of ever loving, given up hope of ever living. It's pathetic, but that's what I am. Pathetic. I'm just so tired of everything. I'm tired of the pain, tired of myself, tired of going on like this, pretending that things will get better when I know they won't. They won't because I won't let them, and that's my problem.

My problem is myself. I need to be loved to function. Yes, it's a wretched existence, but I have this incredible need for someone to care for me, and me only. Selfish too. I don't think I have any good qualities.

So I'm selfish, self-centered, pathetic, needy, and the only reason I cry is for myself. Why do I deserve to live?

The answer? I don't.

As usual Winry and Al aren't home, and I go into the kitchen. I carefully open the knife drawer, and select the exact-o knife. That should do the trick. Tears are falling freely as I realize that my life is going to end tonight. I will leave no legacy of who I really am. People will know me for being the Fullmetal Alchemist, but they will never have really known me. No one will remember what I was like, my outbursts, my short issues, and what I like to do.

I'll die without knowing what being loved feels like, without ever having been kissed, without ever having had sex, or cuddling up with someone after.

I will never be special to anyone, and no one will ever be excited just because I am there. I've accepted that. Maybe I'm just that type of person. The type of person that's meant to die alone.

I walk into the bathroom and run a hot bath for myself. I like baths. At least I can die in one if I can't die in Roy's arms.

I go back into my room while I wait for the bath to fill and get a piece of paper, feeling like I need to explain myself.

I sit at my desk and write with the pen that I used so often to mutilate myself. Funny. It came full circle. This pen started my self-destruction, and now it will end it. I laugh, thinking to myself that I'm hysterical. Are all people like this when they know they're going to die?

I decide to write two notes. One to Al, and one to Roy.

Al,

I'm sorry I had to leave this way. I hope you can be happy with Winry, and remember me sometimes. I love you and Winry, and I wish that could be enough to keep me happy. But you have Winry, and I'm alone. Don't worry; it's not your fault. I've always had problems; I just didn't want to tell you. Please don't feel guilty. I wanted this. I haven't been happy for a long time, and now I will be. Goodbye.

Ed

P.S. Cremate me please and sprinkle me on the highest hilltop you can find.

A tear falls on the paper, and I quickly get up before I get any more on it. I walk into the kitchen and put it on the counter where they can see it. Then I write Roy's letter and fold it up and put it in a sealed envelope. 'Give to Roy' I write on the envelope, and put it next to my note to Al.

By now my bath is ready, and I turn off the water. I strip down to my boxers, carefully fold my leather pants. I don't want to ruin them.

I sit on the edge of the bathtub and look in. This is it. I'm not scared. Anything will be better than living like a wreck every day, with a life that has no meaning. I've become numb.

I climb into the bath, a sigh escaping my lips as my body absorbs the warmth of the water. I lay there for a few minutes, taking in my last moments on this earth. I shut my eyes and think of everyone, trying not to think of Roy. But of course he's all I think of.

"Roy, save me…" I whisper aloud, though I know it's useless, I've gone too far. I can't be saved now. I bring my wrist out of the water and slit it with the knife.

I gasp and my mouth drops open as I feel my life's blood start flowing out of me into the water. I quickly do my other wrist, and drop my hands into the water, the knife clattering to the floor somewhere. The sound is oddly muffled, as if I've already started to leave this world.

I'm dying.

It's strange; I can barely feel the physical pain anymore. All I can think of is the bottomless ache in my heart, a wound that can never be patched, a wound so deep that it has led me to this last resort. How easily a heart breaks, how easily I have broken.

I really am a coward. I know that suicide is the ultimate action of weakness, but why should I care anymore? My life had no point anyway, no one will really miss me, safe Winry and Al, but they will cry on each other's shoulders and move on.

The water is turning a deep red and I feel weak; my breathing shallow. I can't even open my eyes anymore as a few tears slip out to join the water I'm lying in. I'm fading fast, and it's silent. I can't even hear the noises of the cars outside in the street anymore, and its like I'm in my own world where nothing can harm me.

I slide further into the water and take my last breath. Goodbye Al, goodbye Winry.

Goodbye Roy. I love you.

And it seemed that in those last few seconds, Roy's face materialized out of the air to kiss me once and only, taking me away forever.

* * *

A/N: This has come out of my most depressed times, my worst of times. I can only seem to write well when I'm half delirious with depression, and this story is based on some of my inner thoughts and feelings, so it's very close to home with me. I wanted to dabble a little in the world of Ed/Roy so I decided I'd try a little angsty one-shot since I've never wrote one and I thought it'd be nice to just write something and not have to worry about updates. Well, actually this is going to end up being a two-shot because I'm going to have an epilogue if people like the story. Nothing too, long, just explaining a little more about what happens after Ed's death. I'm sorry, but he won't be coming back to life. I know some people like death fics, but I'm sorry. I like fics that make me cry, so I know there are other people out there like that too. My fic isn't good enough to make anyone cry, but I can try. (Yeah, I know that's twisted). Well, please review, it'll make me so happy. 


	2. Fatally Yours

A/N: Just something I wrote when I was depressed, more for myself than the reviews. Edward is 21, Roy is 38, and Alphonse is 18, with his body back. I don't care if this corresponds with the series because it's my fanfic and I can do what I want. I apologize if there are any mistakes, I wrote this at like three different times months apart when I was depressed. First I wrote it when my boyfriend and I broke up, and now we're back together a couple months later but he's being an uncaring ass so I had to resort to fan fiction, my therapeutic medicine! You'll notice that a lot of parts are similar to the previous chapter, because I tried to make it so it was the same events happening, but you knew a different point of view on it. Tell me how this worked, if you could. I was trying something new, so I don't know if it was a good idea. I know this kind of turned into more of a story, but eh, I like writing.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or any of the characters; otherwise I would have Ed and Roy having hot man sex on Roy's desk, couch, in the closet, bed, etc. every day and invite me there to film. And then they would cuddle. (-Collective AWWWW-)

* * *

**Fatally Yours**

My name is Roy Mustang, also known as the Flame Alchemist.

I'm in a Colonel in the military and my job pays well.

I have all the women I want, they practically fight to get to me, and therefore I have all the sex I could ever want.

I'm handsome, with a good body and have the right equipment to be able to please the women as well.

Sounds like the perfect life, right?

Wrong.

There's one little (no pun intended) problem with my life.

I'm in love with Edward Elric, the Full Metal Alchemist.

There are many things wrong with this. Let's make a list, shall we?

He's another man. And I don't like to think of myself as gay. I don't fucking look gay, okay!

He has a temper to rival a demon's. This is quite a problem sometimes, but I won't tell him that he's extremely cute when he gets mad.

I'm his superior officer.

He's about…oh….well; let's just say he's more than ten years younger than me, to make myself feel better about this one.

Lastly and most importantly, he hates me.

See my problem now?

Yeah.

I don't quite know how it happened, but one day he walked into my office, the sun shimmered off his golden hair and he looked so angry about something; I was a gonner.

Of course after that he screamed at me for assigning him somewhere he didn't want to go, but all I could think about after that was how nice his ass looked when he turned around to leave, not reassigning him. This led to much questioning of my sanity, but I eventually came to the conclusion to accept it, not fight it. Though that's not completely true, I still fight it at times. But mostly I just want him.

We've developed an odd little friendship, though I'm still strongly suspicious that he hates me. We've been on assignments together, where I get to see Ed's rare different emotions (other than pissed off little temper tantrum, which I had previously thought was his only setting.) And we can actually carry on intelligent conversations without killing each other when we're away from the military base.

But then when we get back home, it's the same, I sink into depression, wanting to hold his small frame to mine, but only getting a bunch of whores who want to sell their body to me for a night of emotionless sex.

I'm lost in my thoughts at my desk again, and Riza comes in, rapping a pen on my desk and none to carefully plopping a pile of papers on my desk.

She's another one of my problems, because to put it very simply, she's in love with me. I can tell without her even having to tell me simply because of the way she looks at me. Her looks hurt me, because sometimes I'm certain that I look at Ed the same way. She's hinted at her feelings a few times, and I can tell she really cares about me, and my happiness; more than the other women that just care about my body, big dick, sex skills and money.

I would like to go out with her, because it would be so normal, she would be happy, I would have someone to hold, but it just wouldn't be the same. For some reason, I only want to hold Ed, and I won't be satisfied with anyone else. It's twisted, but I'd rather be with no one, miserable, and lonely, than be with someone that wasn't him.

I must've sighed unconsciously because I notice that Riza has given me a strange look.

"Look through these and Edward's here to see you." She says as I look away from the window with what was probably a very unhappy look.

"Fine, send him in." I wave my hand exasperatedly and she rolls her eyes at me before leaving to be replaced by the little bane of my existence, who was as usual, fuming.

"Ed-Fullmetal?" I cover up my slip up quickly, hoping he didn't notice my use of his real name, the name I used when I thought about him.

"DAMMIT ALL I WANT IS MY OWN HOUSE AND I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT!!!" He screamed, launching himself at my desk and slamming his hands palm down on the table. I wince as he does, shaking his hands and muttering a slightly pained 'ow' under his breath.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I ask calmly. I am very good at keeping a cool, calm, collected exterior, even if my emotions are a mess. No one would ever guess to look at me that I'm a train wreck just waiting to happen.

"WINRY!" Was all the answer I received.

"Care to explain?"

"WINRY!! MY BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND! SHE'S COMING TO VISIT TODAY SO THEY DON'T WANT ME STAYING AT THE HOUSE TONIGHT SO THEY CAN FUCK IN PEACE!!" He screeches, his voice reaching an octave I didn't think possible.

I smirk, and of course that got a terrible reaction out of Ed.

"DON'T SMIRK AT ME BASTARD!! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

Hm…this gives me a lot of possibilities. "Well, E-Fullmetal, you could stay at my apartment for the night." And before he got suspicious, "But only for the night. Don't get any ideas." I add quickly.

"Get ideas? What for? You think I want to stay with you?" He retorts, and somehow this hits me and twists my heart, reminding myself of how wrong my feelings are.

I blink, speechless for a moment. "If you want to stay, follow me now or forever hold your peace." I say, forgetting about the paperwork on my desk and sauntering out of the room, resisting the weak temptation to look over my shoulder as I walk out.

Turns out, I don't have to turn around, because I can hear black boots shuffling behind me, and I bite my lip to keep from smiling.

"I'm leaving…" I announce to Riza, and continue out before she can protest about the papers which I had just remembered. It was getting late, around nine, and I had to admit, I wanted a little quality time with Edward alone.

The looks she gives me makes my heart break and I hate myself for being so twisted, wishing I could make her happy. But I don't want to lie to her, so I continue to brush her off, and hope she'll find someone else who doesn't have a Lolita complex. Though I guess it's not quite that bad; Ed is technically legal. He just doesn't look it.

"I hope you don't think I owe you anything now." Edward mutters as he gets in the front seat of my black Audi 3000. "Nice car…" He continues under his breath as he lets his fingers travel up and down the dashboard and console.

"Yes, I just got it a few weeks ago. Quite expensive." I say. "And no, you don't owe me anything." I say, with a more heartfelt smile than is usually characteristic of me.

"You alright Mustang? You look kind of weird." He says. So much for tact.

I roll my eyes as I check the rear mirror and back up into the street. "I'm fine." I hope I'm not gritting my teeth too loudly.

"Whatever." He says, not sounding like he believes me. He stretches out and puts his boot clad feet on the dashboard, crossing them luxuriously.

"Get them off. Now." I glare at him, and he glares back before slowly putting his feet down. That's what I love about him. He's not afraid of me like some-no, most- women are. If I had given any one of them that look, they'd probably shrink into a corner and never come out, having a complex. But Ed, it doesn't faze him.

He stares out the window, and I have to remind myself to drive instead of watching him get lost in his own thoughts. It was one of the rare times I saw peace on his face. Or, what would come close to it.

Half an hour later, we arrive at my apartment building. He stumbles out of the car and follows me like a lost puppy up to my third floor apartment. I try to savor every moment, trying not to think of how wonderful it would be if this was the norm, if Ed came home with me every day, if we were together.

"Dammit Mustang, don't look like someone just killed your dog." He says as he follows me in. I sigh, not having realized that my mood was so easily read.

"What do you want for dinner?" I ask as I go into the kitchen. "And take your shoes off, I like things to be neat." I tell him. "Ramen okay?" I call.

"RAMMMEENNNNNNNN!!" Is my answer from the foyer, and I allot myself a smile.

"Ramen it is then." I say half to myself as I get out a pot to make a double batch of ramen. Edward, despite his small stature, can pack away food like there's no tomorrow.

He climbs onto a bar stool at my island counter in the kitchen and looks at me expectantly.

"What?" I say.

"Aren't you going to entertain me?" He says, smirking.

I roll my eyes, thinking about how I would _like_ to entertain him. "Hey, you were the one that invited yourself over, entertain yourself."

"I DIDN'T INVITE MYSELF YOU INVITED ME!" He reminds me much louder than necessary.

"Fine, let's talk then." I say, and pour a glass of wine for me and one for him after he nods towards the bottle. Then I sit down at a stool across from him and sip slowly, letting the alcohol calm me down a little.

"So how long is Winry staying?" I ask, not really wanting to make small talk but it was more comfortable than silence.

"Ugh. I don't know." He says, and considerably droops. I wonder what he's thinking. Could he be jealous of them when he has no one to call his own? I had always thought he had a thing for Winry but I could be wrong. "Next subject." He says, and smirks as he looks behind me. "What is THAT?" He smirks and picks up a lacy pink bra from off my couch.

I roll my eyes. "What does it look like Fullmetal?" I say.

"Don't you ever get tired of fucking random girls?" He asks and throws the bra back down.

I shrug. Actually, that bra must've been there for a long time because the last one night stand I had was more than a few months ago. After I realized that I might possibly feel something not normal for Edward, I hadn't really wanted anything to do with that. I tried a few times, to get him off my mind, but I couldn't get excited for women, and they had gotten disgusted and left, most of them muttering about how their friends were wrong. And it didn't take him my mind off either.

"Next subject." I say, smirking, and now it's his turn to roll his eyes. Then his eyes widen and point behind me again, smirking now.

I wheel around and see the ramen boiling over. "DAMMIT." I mutter a string of curse words under my breath as I take it off the heat and dish out two bowls of steaming ramen, while Edward quietly (ok maybe not so quietly) laughs in the corner.

"Will you shut up?" I huff, taking a huge spoonful of ramen and thereby scorching myself. Of course this sets him off again into peals of laughter, and I allow myself a smile as well, because I know that he's too caught up to notice this rare facial expression for me.

"God Mustang…" He says between laughs. "I didn't know you were such a klutz at home…" He giggles, and it suddenly strikes me that his laugh is painfully adorable.

I shovel more ramen into my mouth to distract myself, and luckily it's not scorching hot this time. By now, Edward has calmed down enough to eat, so his laughing has been replaced by the slurping noises of him eating.

"Manners, Fullmetal." I say half heartedly. I must admit this is one of his less endearing traits.

He mumbles something that suspiciously sounds like 'up yours' but I can't be too sure. I pour myself and Edward second glasses of wine and down mine fairly quickly. I have a high tolerance level for alcohol, so I can drink more than the average person and still not have too many side effects. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that Edward had a very low tolerance level. Pretty soon, he was babbling away not making any sense, and seconds later he had toppled off his stool onto the ground.

I jump up and make sure that he hadn't seriously injured himself. Luckily, he seemed okay, except for the fact that he was unconscious. I pick him up, and sigh at how good it feels to finally have him in my arms, even if this is stolen time, and he probably wouldn't be willing if he were awake. Now that I'm this close to him, I can tell that he has a distinctive scent, and I breathe it in with an intoxicated (and not from the alcohol) smile.

I carry him carefully to my bed and set him tenderly on it, tucking him in the covers. He sprawls out naturally and mumbles something before turning and curling into a fetal position, hugging my pillow.

My heart aches for him, aches to crawl in next to him and wrap my arms around him. It hurts so badly that I can't stand to look at him anymore, for he is an image of such perfection, utter cuteness and innocence that my heart can't take it.

I taste something salty and I realize that I am crying. I scorn myself for being so weak, so pitiful, all because of the small figure lying in my bed so oblivious to my presence. If he knew, what would he do?

Funny isn't it? How I can order everyone around, head up offices, yet when it comes to little Ed, I'm completely helpless? I used to think I had all I wanted, but now I know what I'm missing. And I sorely need it. I need it so badly it hurts to admit it even to myself. I sigh and walk out before I break down.

I pass out on the couch and wake up to Ed screeching at me roughly ten hours later.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU WAKE ME UP?" His voice pierces my dreams and my world comes crashing back down to reality. "WE HAVE TO GET TO WORK!!"

"Its Saturday dimwit." I mumble angrily.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DIMWIT SO SMALL HE COULD BE STEPPED ON??!!" Ed screeched and I covered my head with a pillow. "Go back to sleep why don't you…don't you have a hangover?"

"Nope, slept it all off." He said perkily, stationing himself on the couch right by my head. "So in that case what are we doing today? You could drop me off at home but I don't really want to see Al and Winry going at it…my two best friends…" He shook his head somewhat mournfully, then quickly got over it. "So what're we doing?"

I roll my eyes. "Well, first you're going to get up so I can go take a shower, and then we're going to have breakfast, and THEN we'll see." I say as I unceremoniously push him off the couch and stumble into the shower with Edward giggles behind me.

I ignore him and take a long, hot shower, so hot it leaves my skin red and the shower foggy from steam. Finally, I emerge, feeling a little better but now I'm hungry. Surprisingly, I already smell food cooking. Mm…that's nice...someone cooking for me…

WAIT.

"EDWARD!!!" I yell as I dash into the kitchen to make sure that he hasn't burned my apartment down. I stop mid dash as I see him at the stove with a little apron on (I don't know where he found that) peacefully cooking eggs and bacon.

"What are you DOING?" I sputter just because I don't know what else to say. Who knew Edward could cook?

"I'm making breakfast, bastard, what does it look like I'm doing?" Ed retorts without turning around, but I can tell that he's a little miffed because of my lack of faith in him. "I can do SOME things right, you know." He says, shoveling the eggs onto two plates and placing two strips of bacon neatly beside each. He places them on the island, sits down, and starts eating as if this is the most normal thing in the world.

I blink and slowly sit down, bringing my plate closer to me to start eating. "Um...thanks…" I mutter a little awkwardly before neatly taking a bite. I'm a very neat eater, unlike Ed. To my surprise, the eggs and bacon are cooked to perfection, and I add another check to my list of amazing things about Edward. He can cook.

He shrugs. "Eh, figured it was the least I could do." He says, finishing up and putting his plate in the sink.

"You can do the dishes though." He says with a smirk. "I'm gonna take a shower…" He announces and pads off in his socked feet, a sound that makes me smile. Even though he's twenty one now, he still sometimes acts like he did when I first met him six years ago. One of the most noticeable differences is his height; he has grown a few inches since then, but still remains considerably short for a man his age.

I zone out while doing the dishes and before I know it Ed's back and wanting something to do. I turn around to look at him come up behind me. His hair is wet and hanging loose on his shoulders, giving him a look that I've never seen on him before. He looks so…beautiful.

"You should leave your hair down more often…" I say and then slap myself mentally. What am I _thinking?_ Oh right, that comment came out of the absence of thought and presence of feeling. I turn around quickly and furiously dry a pan to avoid the strange look that he gives me.

"It's annoying." He simply says and the next time I turn around it's in a braid again. But he still has that strange look on his face, like he's evaluating me.

"What?" I glare at him and he holds up his hands in defense.

"Nothing. So what're we doing?" One track mind.

"Must you always be amused? What do you do by yourself?" I ask.

He shrugs. "Various things. I like to cook." He says quietly, and I definitely detect an embarrassed blush on his upper cheeks. How adorable.

"Well, maybe you can teach me how to cook today then? I might as well get a crash course while you're here because I mostly eat out or order in…I don't even remember buying that bacon and eggs." I say, now that I think about it.

"That's because you didn't. I did. At that grocery store down the street." Ed says with a small laugh.

"Oh."

"I can teach you today though! We'll need to get some supplies and do you have any cookbooks?"

I look at him.

"Okay, guess not. I saw a library around here though, we can go there." He said.

And so started our adventurous day of delving into the world of cooking.

A few hours and many accidents later, we were sitting on our stools waiting for the cake that Edward had decided to make to bake. We were eating a very elegant dish of chicken and other assorted vegetables and something that he showed me how to make but was in French, so of course I immediately gave up on trying to remember that one.

It had been an amazing day, probably the best day of my life. No, it was the best day of my life. I got to spend it with Edward, just Edward and I, like I always wanted it to be. Of course there were times when I just wanted to capture him in my arms, claiming him for my own and never letting go, but of course I didn't do that.

I was eating my chicken, pondering life, Edward, and my emotions when Edward spoke. I had almost forgotten that he was there. Almost. Then I looked at him, and noticed he seemed to be brooding too.

"What's up, Ed? You look kind of…depressed…" I say, looking over at him, kicking myself for being so concerned. Now he probably thought I was some kind of pansy. A strange look came over his face and something seemed to change inside him.

"Nothing…I was just thinking…" He said, looking curiously at me. I look curiously back at him, wondering what he has up his sleeve this time. Thinking for Edward Elric is dangerous to everyone else.

"Wow…really?" I say jokingly, earning myself a glare.

"Roy…" He says slowly, carefully. "We're good friends, right? You'd say?"

I blink at him, looking confused. "Yes…I suppose…what's this about?"

"And you'll still be my friend no matter what?" He asks, seemingly like a child.

"Dammit just get on with it!! Who did you kill?" I ask, rolling my eyes impatiently.

He mutters something under his breath, not loud enough for me to hear. But the next thing he says I hear loud and clear. "Um…Roy…I like you…" He says, looking at his plate as he speaks with a trembling voice. An adorable blush creeps on his face.

I blink and look at him. At first I feel estatic. Edward returns my feelings! I can have a relationship with him, hug him, kiss him….even…well, we won't go that far yet, but he can be mine! This is what I've always wanted…

I'm about to reach over the table and kiss him, but then my mind comes to a screeching halt, and I'm left hanging over the edge of a cliff, like a car that's gone to far and doesn't have enough momentum to stop. I force myself to rewind and think clearly about the situation, even though I don't want to. But it doesn't make sense. Edward cannot like me. He hates me! This must be some ploy, or some trick! Maybe he's mocking me! Maybe he's found out some way that I like him and this is some kind of sick joke. I didn't think Edward would be that cruel, but maybe I don't know him.

Maybe he actually does like me. But could I deal with that kind of a relationship? He's a child, I have no business liking him anyway. If I just ignore it, it'll go away. It's not like anything real and tangible could come out of this strange lust I have for the half-pint. It's best just to crush his hopes now so he doesn't get any wrong ideas, even if he does for some miracle like me. I decide to play it safe, so whichever scenario it is, I won't make myself look like an idiot. I must always uphold my reputation.

"Um…Edward…" I start slowly. "I'm not…quite sure I feel the same way about you…" I say, hoping my voice isn't shaking like I think it is.

He nods and blushes furiously, looking down like I've just killed his cat. I feel so bad that I reconsider. Maybe he is being truthful; it would be a miracle, but it wouldn't be out of the range of possiblilities. I mean, I _am_ quite attractive, it would be natural for him to feel things about me.

"Um…Ed…" I look at him sincerely. "Maybe…maybe I do like you too…" I say, and I can see his face light up for a brief moment. So he was telling the truth. But then his face fades as suddenly as that small smile appeared, and he looks blankly at me.

"You're lying." He says in a dead voice.

"No I'm not…" I say, trying to keep my voice steady from getting to emotional. God I'm pathetic.

"Yes you are. Just shut up." He sulks quietly to himself for a moment and then slips down from his chair. "Um…maybe I should go…I'm sorry…Al and Winry are probably wondering where I am…" He says, but I know this is a lie. And he knows it's a lie too. He just wants to get away from me, the cold-hearted bastard that I am. I want to tell him how I really feel, but I can't put my thoughts into words. I don't want to start for fear of saying something wrong. But, maybe its better this way. I really don't know. I need to think about things for a while.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" I ask quietly.

"Um…could you?" He looks up at me with the most adorable doe eyes that I want to crush him in an airtight hug and kiss. But I don't. Instead I nod and drive him home, my thoughts so jumbled on the way that when I come back from driving him, I end up driving aimlessly around the city until I remember what I am doing.

My sleep was filled with dreams of Edward, and I wake in the morning thinking that he is still there beside me, like he was in my dream. But he wasn't. I sigh and go about my usual activities, ignoring the problem at hand. I go to work as usual, and go about my activities. When I talk to Edward, I try not to seem different than usual, then someone might think it's up. He plays along with my game, and things seem to go back to normal, except Edward seems more subdued. I hope he'll get over it soon, his moping makes my heart ache. Plus he looks extremely sexy when he's upset. Things go on like this for weeks, but I can't commit. I feel like now that I've made my statement I can't go back.

A few weeks later, I come into the office and ask Riza about Edward.

"Has the little one been into the office yet?" I ask her, referring to the bane of my existence. I both wish that he was there so I could watch him, yet wish that he would stay away for my own sanity.

"Nope, he hasn't been in yet…" Riza says, and gives me another strange look, like its weird for me to ask about my subordinates, like she _knows_ something.

"It's way past noon, shouldn't he be in?" I say, having some strange feeling that something is wrong, though of course that's ridiculous.

Though maybe not.

He had seemed rather distant in the weeks after his confession that he liked me, and I wanted to ask what was wrong, but I couldn't let myself get too close. I couldn't let myself get emotionally attached.

If only he knew what that night did to me, to my sanity. Some nights I just thought I should give in to my heart, rush over there and hold him in my arms forever, knowing that my feelings were returned. But how could I? We are both men, I am his superior officer, and lets be frank, things cannot always work out in the real world as in the fantasy world of my mind.

I told myself that it was just a passing fancy and that if I ignored it, it would go away for the both of us. It would be better for both of us, I told myself, and I kept wishing that I was right. But if anything, knowing of Ed's feelings for me only made it harder, knowing that what I wanted was just in reach, but there were too many restrictions, too many walls of society to get to the goal.

I lived in fear that someone would find out – how? Don't ask me, I'm paranoid – and I would loose my job; that's another reason why I didn't just press my mouth to his in answer that night. I am too selfish.

I kept playing what he said that night over and over in my mind, like a broken record that skips back to say the same lines again, and again, and again, torturing me until I drive myself to drink. I had always had a weakness for alcohol, and it seems that its coming back full force now. When I have that bottle in my hand, I feel so vulnerable, but that's drug induced. Ed makes me feel vulnerable just being who he is, and I want more of that.

I sigh and lean further on my desk, my head dropping to the surface, scattering papers everywhere, mostly papers concerning Edward, because I'm obsessive like that. I just want to check up on everything he's doing though, and make sure that he doesn't need any help.

I glance up at the clock. Two o'clock.

Edward should be in by now, what if something's wrong?

I decide to go pay him a visit. I sense that something is going to happen when I go over there; maybe I will finally give in to my feelings. I hope I won't be so weak as to let my heart take over my body.

"Riza!" I call. "I'm going to check where Fullmetal is…he should be in by now.

"Why?" She sounds puzzled.

"He should have…" I start to repeat myself but she cuts in.

"I mean why don't you just call him?" She says, and I feel like swearing.

"I did…" I lie; glad she can't see my face well.

"Maybe he's sick." Damn that woman has an excuse for everything.

"Well, then I'll just go on my lunch break as well, it won't take any extra time." I try to sound nonchalant. I'm very good at that. I put on my coat and walk into her office. "I'll be back later." I say, before she can thwart that part of my plan.

I get into my car, a nice new Audi 3000. I used to love it until that day Edward got into it. Now every time I get into this damn car all I can think about is his laughing face and his feet on the dashboard. Then I remember driving him home after I rejected him, and kick myself. I wonder how much pain I've put him in because of that. I'm sure he'll get over it; after all, it was only a harmless crush. Nothing like this unhealthy obsession I have for him.

I drive without really looking where I'm going, and somehow my car knows where to take me.

As I drive, I have time to think about things, and perhaps that is unhealthy, because I start thinking radical ideas about how we could make it work.

My heart fantasizes without my mind's consent and rationale, showing me images of Edward and I cuddled up on a bed, or couch, kissing, or just sharing a moment while we watch a movie and bask in each other's love. Then of course there are the more steamy fantasies, and I snarl at my pants to keep from bringing the Indians back and making a tent in my pants.

Damn, he makes me horny though.

But…why couldn't it work? I mean…we could hide it at work, and even if we couldn't have a completely normal relationship, at least we could share time in the safety of our apartments together. We could at least try to make it work. And if it didn't, well…what would be the harm? At least we would've tried, just to see what would happen.

That's it. I've made up mind. I'm going to tell Edward, and we're going to try to have a relationship. That is, if he'll still have me. Which I'm sure he would. After all, who wouldn't want the great Roy Mustang? He must know about my superior sex skills, and want to have a go at that too.

Finally, I reach the apartment. I park, get out, and climb the stairs. When I get there, I knock, and feel an overwhelmingly strong, almost spiritual presence around me. I've got to say, it creeps me out a little. I glance up and down the halls and see no one; I only feel a cool breeze on me, despite the fact that there are no windows to be seen in the hallway. A shiver goes up and down my spine, and I knock again, this time more impatiently.

After waiting for what seems like forever, I decide to just go ahead and break down his door. "I'm coming in Fullmetal!" I say, unless he was just getting out of the shower or something and that's why he didn't answer the door. I didn't want to surprise him and walk in on him naked.

Actually. I did. But that would be a little embarrassing for him. Especially if I couldn't control myself and started drooling or something. Mostly I can control myself, but there are those times…

I walk into the living room and immediately stop. Something is wrong. Something is horribly, horribly wrong. I can't explain the feeling I have, but it is one of extreme dread, an intense emotion that I have never felt. That chilling feeling that I got in the hallway intensifies and I whirl around, as if there is something there. I see a glimmer, but I blame my imagination. Usually my imagination is fairly dormant when it comes to those sorts of things, but right now it seems to be back in full force, of course, when I least want it.

"Fullmetal? I have something to tell you! Stop scaring me!...where are you…Edward?" I call his name, going into a panic when I reach the kitchen and see two pieces of paper on the counter. I go over and start reading.

"Dear Al…I'm sorry I had to leave this way…"

The paper falls from my hands to the floor.

No. Surely he can't mean that.

He couldn't possibly…

He ran away, yes, that's what he did.

I tell myself to take deep breaths and read the rest of the note so that I can maybe catch a clue of where he ran to.

Then I see the words that make my heart plummet all the way into the earth's core.

Cremate me.

……..

My thoughts were absent at that point in time. I cannot begin to say what I was thinking, because I wasn't. It was as simple as that. I couldn't comprehend this. Why?

I must've stood there standing, holding the note in my trembling hands when I think with horror. Oh no.

Cremate me.

That means…

I stumble to bathroom and fall to my knees in anguish at the sight that meets me.

It can't be true.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up as that presence I had been feeling before intensifies beyond bearable.

Tears start falling down my cheeks; the first time in who knows how long. It has certainly been more than five years at least since I've cried. Edward had made me feel emotions I didn't know I had for months, and he leaves the same way, scaring me as my own emotions get out of hand.

I didn't know Roy Mustang had emotions. I thought my tear ducts were dry, filled with…flame perhaps. Ha.

Oh no, I'm definitely losing it. Here I am, my head in my hands, rocking on Ed's bathroom floor while his body lies dead in a bathtub of watery blood.

I gasp as that thought really penetrates my mind and I rush to the toilet, praying to the porcelain gods as I lose my small breakfast of a muffin and coffee. I feel sicker than I ever have in my life.

That dead body, that corpse is Edward.

The same Edward that would laugh, snarl, bicker, punch, glower, and bitch at me.

The same little Edward who would launch himself at me at any mention of his height.

The same adorable Edward with the sexy abs and beautiful hair that makes me hard just imagining what it would feel like against my chest after a night together.

The same Edward whom I was going to tell my feelings to today.

…..

Oh no.

It's my fault.

I know it. He had been acting differently since that night, what if it put him over the edge? My cruelty and emotionless, perhaps even harsh remarks afterwards might've given him a complex that he couldn't have shaken. Why did I do that? Why had I been such a coward? If I had just sucked it up and told him, maybe he would still be here with me today? I can't believe this.

I killed him.

I killed an angel.

I should go to hell.

In fact, that's what I'm going to do. If I kill myself, I will most certainly go to hell. I haven't done a good thing in my life, and I deserve it. After all, what am I living for? I'm an empty shell devoid of emotion, a workaholic with no one to come home for, no one to work for, and no one to get through the day for. I haven't made any contributions to society, I have never helped anyone, and frankly I think the world would be better of without me.

Edward would've.

All these thoughts are racing through my head as I press it to the side of the cool toilet, trying to bring myself back to reality. I stand up on wobbly, suddenly klutzy and awkward too long legs. Usually I'm the epitome of grace and relaxed confidence, but now these things are lost on me.

I stand over the tub, and force myself to look at this pitiful sight.

I start crying all over again. No one deserves this. Why did he have to do this? If he had just waited…but a few hours and I would've been here. Then again, I can't give myself too much credit. It could've been something completely unrelated to me. But I have a suspicion. A very large suspicion. And I'm not usually wrong.

The bathtub is nearly overflowing, and if there was any movement in the water, which there's not, the water and blood would spill over and create a flood of the bathroom.

Edward….he breaks my heart. He is lying in only his boxers, which have little flames on them, I notice with a pang in my heart. The water is surrounding him and he looks so at peace that there is something magical about his position. The bloody water surrounds him like petals of a red rose, and he is the center, like he was the center of my world.

His small body seems even smaller, so childlike yet so beautiful and desirable to me more than ever. I just want to hold him, protect him, and tell him how much I love him so nothing like this could ever happen, because he would be happy. How could I have neglected and pushed away such a precious treasure? I truly am an idiot, and I deserve to die, to see what Edward went through in his pain.

How shall I do it?

It wouldn't be very original if I went the same way as him, that's called copying. Plus, the bathtub is already occupied.

I have a gun, but that is so traditional. If I'm going to do this, I might as well get a little creative.

I go back into the kitchen with a last look at Edward's fragile, empty body. He looks like the boy I was so enamored with, yet something about him is quite different. His soul is not there; that is it. This thought is very strange to me, and I shiver as I think of Edward's body being just that, a body, a hollow corpse…I shiver again. Edward should never be thought of as a corpse. He is too beautiful for such deprecating terms.

In the kitchen I see the knives, and think I could use them, but my skin crawls at that thought.

Hm.

What is this?

I'm looking on the counter and I find a letter that I hadn't noticed before. On it is written 'Roy Mustang'.

My breath catches in my throat.

A final message from him and it's for me.

I'm not sure if I want to read it. What if it's something…not what I would expect and he just wants to call me a sick bastard one last time, wanting to guilt me one last time for rejecting him?

Well, I'm not going to die without reading it, so I get it over with and slit it open with a knife, cringing as I think that just a short time ago Edward was doing the same, but to his own body. I bite my lip to keep from crying out.

Dear Roy,

By now you know that I've killed myself. I'm sorry; I know it was a really awful, pathetic, and selfish thing to do. But I can't live this way anymore. I mean not talking to you, you acting like I don't exist, even more so than before I told you my feelings for you. I know I was a complete idiot to guess that you would ever feel the same way. What can I say; you had me under your helpless spell. But I don't mean to guilt you with this letter, and I'm getting carried away. I have to do this before I get scared and back out. I really did like you though, and I had hoped that maybe you could put the conventions of society behind you so maybe we could have made it work. Even if sometimes we drive each other nuts, I would be dammed if there wasn't even just a hint of an attraction for me as well. So I'm sorry, but I have realized I have nothing to live for, and I hope you will remember me fondly, not all those times I called you a cold, heartless bastard. You could be a good guy if you just didn't try to be that way. Well, good luck.

-heart-

Edward.

That was all. All it took for me to completely and utterly hate my own guts. I had him, and I gave him up. My heart plummeted again, even further than it had before, and I didn't think that was possible.

In that moment I made my decision. I didn't care how I died, screw the symbolic or fancy suicide methods, I just wanted to be gone. I don't deserve this beautiful world.

Goodbye my Edward, I am terribly, terribly sorry. I wish I could say I'd see you on the other side, but I won't. Because I'm going to hell and you're in heaven with the other beautiful, tempting, and adorable angels like you.

Goodbye.

With that I drew my gun, raised my hand, which by now was trembling like a small animal in the cold, cocked it, and pulled the trigger to my head.

And in that moment, I knew nothing but relief.

* * *

A/N: Okay! I'm done! This one isn't as long as the other, because I had already written up the story and so I didn't need to go into all the beginning part. Also I just like being uke Ed instead of seme Roy. And I still think Roy maybe ended up being a little too soft. I can't help it; I'm not a seme by nature. After this I might write an epilogue epilogue (since this was more like a second chapter) and have everyone's reactions. Maybe. But I'll definitely be doing an alternate story in which they live (sorry for spoilers, but its kind of obvious) I want to try writing something happy for once. Now if only my boyfriend would keep in line...xP Anyway, stay tuned! So…REVIEW PLEASE it will make me happy! Actually that would be bad in the case of this fic seeing as how I need to be emo to write it…yeah so twisted…but REVIEW ANYWAY PLEASE IT MAKES AUTHORESS WANT TO WRITE MORE. Thanks. Luv ya! 


End file.
